i can't sleep with a full stummy...momma's rule.
emotionally drained.
my sweater smells like a boy.
mcdonalds gives you cancer?
....dot, dot, dot
for as long as i can remember i have always made sure to put others before myself. i've always made sure the other person didn't feel uncomfortable, always gave a hand when needed (& occasionally when it wasnt), listened to all the relationship issues, gave advice after, & smiled, not once in a while but, all the time. this always gave me the satisfaction i needed to get through the day; to do all of this for others (not just for them but for myself as well). it adds that extra teaspoon of purpose in my life. but lately i've been wondering: is it ever too much? can i ever give too much? Is it possible to be so blinded in someone else's obstacles that you leave yours behind & eventually forget about them completely? too bad i think i have some answers to these questions...unfortunately. it's one thing to come to concilation with your problems, but ignoring them is a different story. and believe me it's a pretty different story. i haven't realized how bad i had it until my problems caught up with me a few days ago. i put so much energy into not stressing about them that i completely forgot. now that they're back i don't exactly know what to do next. normally when one needs help with something the first thing they'd do is to go to someone; disclose yourself to someone you trust. And what do i do when i panic?...i freeze. i all of a sudden feel as if the world is 500 miles ahead of me. I hesitate. are my personal issues that important enough to confide in a friend? i love my friends..dearly; they're the next best things next to breathing. but why do i feel so hesitant to let them know how i really feel inside? i'm too shy to let them see anything on my face but a smile. i've gotten so used to giving; giving smiles, giving advice. now that it comes around to myself actually needing some giving, i can't seem to admit to the fact that i am vulnerable. i need a hand to reach out to. i need a heart to warm up to. no one likes to feel alone right?
i seem to be facing some interpersonal conflicts. it's so easy to write this all out, yet complicated to say it aloud. i've been feeling a little broken lately. mix in a little bit of my past with the stress that's been going on in the present & you get a really broken down little girl. i can talk about my bad knee, about my failed mid-term in bio, but why can't i talk about the expressive stuff. the things that bother me deep down inside; like family issues, a broken heart..all of it.
it used to be easy to run to someone. & when i stop to think about when all of this happened; when i felt so un-oblidged to run to my friends...unfortunately, when i lost something important to me last summer i think i lost a little of myself along with it. past hits my present & wont let me get the hell on with my future."funny how time works"
